Then And Now....Still At Square One

After finishing secondary school, I was confused and was not sure what I wanted to do in the future. I thought it was not that normal but I gave myself a chance because I was only 17 and what do I know? Actually, I was pretty sure I wanted to go into hotel management but that was until I heard about their working hours and I totally got so turned off. I was also sure I wanted to do mass comm but after some brain washing, I let that go too. So after secondary school, I took a Pre-U course in hopes of figuring out what I want after 1 year of studying and before I jump into a degree course majoring in something.

After Pre-U, I still didnt know what I want. Now, at that time I thought it was not normal....at all. How can I still not know what the heck I want in life? After more brain washing, I decided to follow where the wind blew me towards....which is to major in marketing at this university I never saw myself getting in to. I'm glad I did tho because I met good friends, had good times and it made me more independent, compared to when i was 17. Then again, I thought that maybe once my 3 years of being in uni is done, I will for sure love what I studied and venture into it as a career.

Three years came and gone right before my eyes and I still didn't know what I want. Its like all I've been doing is standing still and watching time pass by like a fast-ass train. I enjoyed my degree course and all but in the working world...doing marketing related stuff...isn't all that fun, to me that is. I attended a few interviews for marketing positions but I didn't like what I heard, for example, how the people work until late at night and how they have to work on weekends. Then, it struck me that I am a standard 9am - 6pm, monday to friday kinda gal. Is this laziness, not adventurous or plain old fashion? Again, I thought this old fashion thinking would change as time passes.

Now, its 2011, a year after I've officially completed my degree course and I'm back at square one...not knowing what I want. Now its no longer 'what the heck do I want?' but more like 'what the fcuk is wrong with me and what the hell do I want???'. You see, I worked for almost half a year doing admin and I thought I should go out and do something more challenging because I didnt want to throw 3 years of studying down the drain. Once I got out and am finally doing something challenging, I wanna run back to a safe spot where I can feel free and happy. I blame myself and the environment I am in. Teehee.

All this uncertainty and confuse-ness made me realize how often my mind change when it comes to figuring myself out. The reason why I saw this because every week, I find myself with a new decision and a new plan to get out of my current situation. The following are what I've thought of doing...

- Be a teacher/lecturer/tutor
- Join actors studio and be in theater or broadway
- Take up medicine and be a pediatrician.
- Volunteer at PAWS until I figure out what I want.
- Teach speech and drama to kids.
- Get into online business.
- Try out real estate
- Be a radio DJ

Ugh the list goes on and on and on. That's how my mind change on a weekly basis or whenever I don't think of anything else. So, yeah, I guess I can conclude that I am crazy and still confused at 24. FML.

So at the moment, I am still currently chasing for what I want in life and my career (which i just figured out during the week) is happiness. That's all. I wanna go to work feeling happy with the job given, happy with the boss and colleagues, happy with the working and hours and happy about the freedom given at work. In other words, I dont wanna wake up every morning, dreading to go to work and worst of all in fear. Is that too hard to achieve? I had all this happiness with my first job but I let it slip away with my butter fingers.

Oh well. No point dwelling in the past. I just hope I find this simple happiness soon and be satisfied with it.