Just Some Thoughts I Think About

I always thought i was crazy and stupid for having a desire to have a child someday when I am ready. Even if I end up single and alone, I will find a way to get me a baby!!! I've considered adoption but I know it can be difficult and the whole sperm donor thing but I dunno how it works so i guess I'll settle for adoption. But the crazier thing is I secretly wanna go through the whole pregnancy process. Honestly, to me it all seems like a bed of roses but I am aware of the nightmare part of it all based on experiences shared by others. I know, cray cray. I never had balls to tell people about the pregnancy part because they will probably give me the 'wtf' look but I am no longer ashamed to admit now.

Why no longer ashamed? Because I just found out yesterday from a colleague that she too, has the same desire and same thinking as me. So i guess I'm not that cray cray afterall huh. Or we're both the only weird ones. Hmm. She told me that she wanna have kids without a man because she has trust issues with them but as for me, judging from my age now, I dont think I'll ever get a man so we're kinda in the same boat and we both think that it is possible.

Then it got me started thinking. Do I want a kid because I simply love kids or because I have this inner motherly instinct in me? Because whenever I imagine myself as a mother, all I see is a baby which will grow until about age 5. Nothing beyond that and nothing beyond the dreadful teenagehood. So, what is it? Just want a kid because they're cute or really ready to take on a responsibility as a mother?

I think its a little bit of both. Maybe I am still immature to think about all this and hopefully as I mature, my mind will know how to think in a smart way and tell me what I really want. But for now, I am staying to true to my target - adopt/have a kid by the time I am 30, especially if I am still single. If things turn out differently with me getting married and all, then I'll have to think of a whole new target. LOL.

With all these thoughts of wanting to be a mother and have kids via adoption or naturally, there is always a tiny voice whispering into my ear saying 'the more you want it, the more you wont get it'. Nothing to stress or think about so I stress about things like this. Haha. Not exactly stress but just to ponder on.

There, I said it. Part of my skeletons in the closet has rolled out.