How Things Have Changed

The past weekend was filled with parties and family gatherings. Its nice to see people I dont see often but there was one problem......I didnt talk much or try making conversations with those I seldom see.

Is it me who has the problem or has things just changed?

If the problem lies with me, then I know what the problem is. I am just plain shy to make the first move and I always expect people to come approach me first, which is not healthy and I know that and not everyone knows that I expect that. But, there is also the possibility of changes that has occur between me and them.

I remember, there was a time, like long long time ago, we all used to be pretty close. I wouldnt say close knitted but pretty close la. I used to stay in their houses during holidays and we would have things to actually talk about. I also remember playing with some of them and it was fun.

Now, as we all grew up, I feel so distant from them. I always feel awkward when I am with them, and that bugs me. Why should I feel awkward? We're family, right? Its weird because I probably appear to be a real bitchy snob to them but actually, I'm really nice and friendly and I can talk a lot. I have tried to make the first move before but that was pretty much it. No follow-ups on that.

I also remember that there was a time, all of us, from my Dad's side, was very close to one particular cousin as well. He used to always entertain us kids and I remember clearly how he made me laugh until tears literally flow out. Now, we dont even look at each other eye to eye. What went wrong there?

Now, we're not close anymore. We're just relatively close. Get it? Relative-ly close, as in just by blood. Sometimes I feel that these people dont actually like me. I'm either too snobbish to them, or not up to their standard. Trust me, once they see who I really am, I'm not that bad or weird of a person. I'm just shy, so bare with me.

If only things could change back to how it was. I know it can, but you should know me by now, I'm not one who makes the first attempt. Probably in fear of failure or rejection. So, next time when y'all see me, dont ignore me and make me feel like as if I'm a bitch you hate, but maybe try to make conversations with me so that I dont feel like an outcast.

And this leads back to why I'm still single until today. Because I dont make the first move or approach people. Whats wrong with me??

One more thing, do I look too kiddy or not mature? Because, I only seem to be hanging out with kids and not the grown ups (ie: people in their 20s). By this, it leaves me with no one else to hang out with, but the kids. Its not that I dont like it but I wont mind sitting at the 20s table once in a while, ya know.