Its been a loooong while since I last felt this way.
The last time I felt like that, it made me stay away from guys completely.
Believe it or not, Lesbianism was even in my head.
I also erased memories of the guys I used to like and even the thought of falling in love just never crossed my mind....

.......That was until I met him.

The Him that made me fall in love again.
The Him that made me believe in love.
The Him that made me feel comfortable whenever I am with Him.
The Him that makes me laugh no matter how un-funny the joke is.
The Him that I have so much in common with.
The Him that I spent the most time with.
The Him that I admire so much.
The Him that made me believe that I am not a lesbian.

Now, I no longer feel like being in love. Why? Because of just a teenie tiny competition. Yes, I have a competition and I admit, I am sore loser. I hate having competitions getting in my way. It makes me feel that the competition will be ahead of me and I will be left behind, feeling angry and upset.

At this moment, to win the race, I seriously feel like just pouring out my feelings to Him. But..what if He rejects me? What if He doesnt feel the same? What if He prefers the competition? Sigh. Questions that cannot be answered.

A friend asked me, 'Do I see us in a long term relationship?'
Well, honestly, I think I do. But dont think so. I wanna believe that being in a long term replationship with Him can happen but reality wise, can it? I am not sure myself. Most people may think that I deserve someone better and my feelings for him is not worth it.
But, isnt it a little too late? I have fallen madly in love with Him already. Its so deep that I can actually feel myself sinking.

Note to the competition: Please, I beg of you, BACK OFF NOW!! Do not develop any feelings for Him, MY Him. I saw him first so its only fair if I have him, right? Please, go find someone else. There are a lot of other fishes in the sea.

Sigh.

Once again, who the fcuk am I to declare him as MY OWN?
I am a nobody. And I cant entirely blame it on my competition because she doesnt know that I liked him first. But I certainly hope she does now.

I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

Gwen Stefani - Four in The Morning

*This describes exactly what I feel now, but staying up till 4 in the morning? Nah...I rather sleep than waste my time crying*